Thursday, December 24, 2009

I Still Have

Well, here I am again, still feeling blue. I shouldn’t say 'still', it's not like I’ve been in a constant state of depression all week. I actually felt pretty normal today, but when I go to bed at night, all those thoughts that I keep suppressed during the day start bobbing to the surface.

Earlier in the week, I was looking at my sadness as just the normal let-down after a big event; such as our party on Saturday, but as I lay in bed earlier tonight, I began to realize that it goes a little deeper than that. I think what it all comes down to is that this is my first Christmas blind. I guess that should have been pretty obvious, but it honestly didn’t occur to me before.

Christmas has always been my favorite time of the year. More than that, it’s always felt magical to me. The music, the decorations, the lights, people’s attitudes toward one another. The whole world just feels different at Christmas time.

I used to love going out on a cold evening after work to find presents for my loved ones. Hustling from the car into a warm store, seeing the beautiful Christmas displays, the corny music on the muzak system. Then hustling back to the car, maybe with packages, maybe not, and cranking up the heater. And if it was snowy and a little slippery, so much the better! I always loved a white Christmas.

And the lights! Lights and lights, everywhere! In my small home town, there was one little street where every single house would be totally outlined in colorful strings of lights. And we always knew the good neighborhoods to visit in nearby Kearney as well. In Texas, there’s a place called Santa Land. It’s a wooded area, just off the interstate, where they have cut a path through the trees, wide enough to drive through. And there are thousands and thousands of Christmas lights strung everywhere. Not just lights, either, but little displays set up here and there; wooden cut-outs of elves in workshops, children ice- skating, Santa and his reindeer. At one point, you pass by a small pond, and there are three crosses outlined in white lights on the other side. You can see the crosses, and also the reflections in the still water, and it’s so beautiful. In another place, they put the strings of lights high in the trees and just let them hang straight down all around you as you drive through. You cannot possibly visit this place and leave feeling unhappy.

This year, I have none of that. No driving on snowy streets, no decorations, no lights. We have snow, our first white Christmas in years, but I can’t see it. I can’t even see my own Christmas tree. And I’m sad.

I know those things are not what Christmas is about, but how do I cope with the loss of all that beauty? Well, I guess I have to focus on the things I still have.

Sounds. There are still the sounds. It was windy when I went to bed earlier. I mentioned once before how I always liked listening to the wind on a cold snowy night. And I could hear Grandpa's wind chime outside too. I wonder if Uncle Butch knew what a blessing that would be to me.

Sounds. I still have music, and thank God for that. I think going deaf would have been much more devastating to me than going blind. I still have music. And that reminds me, I was listening to a Trans Siberian Orchestra cd today and noticed something a little bit amazing. I’ve had the cd for a couple of years, but since I only listen to it at Christmas, I don’t know every song by heart yet. I noticed one song today that slipped by me before. It sounded like a boys’ choir and a lot of the words were hard to make out, but I caught a repeating phrase at the end; falling snow, falling snow, falling snow. It made me think of my friend Ro and the choir concert she had not too long ago. She mentioned a song called “Falling Snow" and I couldn't help but wonder if this was the same song. I really think it is because it sounds just the way she described it in her blog. And it was just as beautiful as she said it was.

So I still have music. Did God know how much that would mean to me, when he gave it to me? Well, of course He did. I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating; God knew exactly what I would need to get me through this part of mylife. What an amazing God He is.

And, speaking of things God gave me, I have the most wonderful family a person could ask for. Some of them I’ve known all my life, some just a few years, but they are all precious to me, and I’m so thankful that we will all be together on Christmas day. Thanks again, God.

Well, what do you know, I’m feeling a little better. I guess maybe God knew I would need this blog too. I started it with grand visions of God using it to help people. I didn’t know that one of those people would be me.

Thank you for reading, whoever you may be. Thank you for being witness to what God is doing in my life. To you and yours, I wish all the peace and good will that God may bring. Merry Christmas!

Deuteronomy 28:2 And all these blessings shall come on thee, and overtake thee, if thou shalt hearken unto the voice of the LORD thy God.


  1. I'm feeling a lot of this this year too. Last Christmas was my first Christmas blind, but we went to West Virginia, so it kinda seemed to take the sting out a little. I didn't know what I was missing, becuase I had never seen WV. This year though, I'm definitely feeling it. We have a place called Winterhaven. It's a neighboarhood, and if you move in there, you know you have to go all out for Christmas. They have drive through nights, and then nights you walk through it, or ride hayrides. The last few years I went, I didn't enjoy it much. Several of the houses didn't participate, or hardly put anything up. I look back on it now and think, if only you had appreciated it a bit more. I'm missing my decorations. I refused to put anything up. I used to buy a new ornament every year and I haven't the last 2 years. All those things are definitely hitting me. I'm usually so positive, but there are times I've just gotta feel it. For me, until I feel it, I'm not gonna walk through it and come out on the other side. So now I can embrace the blue days, knowing that if I feel it, I learn from it, and move on. For me, pain is the cornerstone of spiritual growth. Anytime i walk through pain, I come out being just a little wiser.

    Just think of it this way, we'll never have to experience the first blind Christmas again hehe!