Friday, December 4, 2009

Heavy Heart

So here it is, 1 o’clock in the morning and I can’t sleep. Again. This has been going on for several nights now. I have asthma and it’s been acting up pretty bad lately. It’s harder to breathe lying down so for a few nights I was sleeping in shifts of a couple hours at a time. My asthma has been a little better lately though, and I’ve been able to lie down much better. I still can’t sleep though, ecause I just have too much on my mind.

What’s on my mind? Well, I suppose I should back up a little and explain this properly.

I’ve already talked about some of this. I went blind a while back and have been drawing social security. The payments I’m getting are barely enough to pay our bills, but the government says I’m earning too much to get Medicaid. Medicare is out also because I have to be disabled for two years before I qualify. If I had some kind of medical coverage, I could get my sight back because my problem is correctible by surgery.

Well, my mom kept telling me not to worry about that; that she would come up with the money somehow. I kept turning her down because I truly did not feel like that was what God wanted. It seemed like everytime I was tempted to take matters into my own hands and make something happen, I kept getting the message “wait.”

So, anyway, about three months ago the last of my asthma medicine ran out. I tried really hard to put my trust in God to take care of me, but to tell you the truth I was really scared about what was going to happen. In spite of my fears, when the medicine ran out, I was fine! God totally came through for me! For the next ten weeks or so, life was pretty good. I can't tell you how good it felt to be free of that medicine.

Then a couple of weeks ago, it finally caught up with me. My asthma hasn’t been that bad for about 4 years, when I ended up in the hospital for a week. I had a particularly bad evening a couple of nights ago, and I told Mom Iwas ready to take her up on her offer.

So now I face the prospect of getting some health insurance and possibly getting my sight back. Sounds like a pretty good deal. The problem is that now I’m wondering; is this what God intended, or am I trying to take matters into my own hands again? I really don’t know the answer to that, and that’s what is keeping me up at night, now that my asthma is settling down a little.

I know that God doesn’t want us to suffer. But I also know that sometimes he places challenges before us so that “the works of God should be made manifest,” just like it says in John chapter 9. So I guess the question is; has my disability brought glory to God? That’s kind of what this blog has been all about, but did it reach anyone? In my vanity, I envisioned testifying to thousands of people and converting every one of them to Christ, but of course I know it doesn’t always work that way. This whole thing may have been for one particular person out there; someone who just needed to hear someone talk about God; someone who I may never even know exists. Hmm, I need to read “The 5 People You Meet In Heaven” again.

Well, all I can do is pray about it, and hope that I am doing the right thing. It all comes down to faith. I have to have faith that God will lead me to where He wants me to be. Faith is such a small thing; such a huge thing; the only thing.

John 9:1-3 And as Jesus passed by, He saw a man which was blind from his birth. And His disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind? Jesus answered, Neither has this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.


  1. Did you 'get' my poem? No? not many people do.

    The future changes in a quiet wave.
    all you left and all you gave
    drizzled behind in all distress
    todays the day you kiss happiness!

    The future changes, not all by itslef.Action causes reaction.
    All you left behind (in the past; the old you)
    all you gave (is all that you put into becoming a NEW MAN!
    we leave distress behind as we KISS true HAPPINESS!

    I'm with ya,remember that!


  2. As you know, our respective faiths don't follow the same "track" if you will, but you also know that I have very strong faith and trust in my God.

    Help from God comes in all forms, whether it be a lost 5 dollar bill we find on the street, a neighbor bringing a casserole when we wonder where our next meal is coming from, a phone call in the middle of the day when we're feeling lonely, that woman in the break room, or someone offering monetary help when we need it. That is what I believe. My God speaks to me through people.
    God made doctors and medicine for us to live good, healthy lives. I don't think God created insurance haha. When it comes to my medical care, I'll do what I have to. God can lead me in the direction, God walks with me through the door and pushes me through it if I'm scared. Your mom offering to help might be God's way of saying, here, here is the help I am offering.

    Did you ever hear that story of the priest in the town, the town is flooding. The priest gets on the roof of his house and says my Lord will save me. A boat comes by and the people offer a ride to the priest and the priest says, my Lord will save me. A helicopter comes by with a ladder and the priest says my Lord will save me. But the flood waters come and carry the priest away and he drowns. When he gets to Heaven he says, Lord, I had faith in you. You did not save me. The Lord says, I sent you a boat. I sent you a helicopter. I tried to save you, but you did not take your own action.

    I don't know what God's plan is for you. But I trust that He wants you to be happy. It's hard taking money, it's hard when our government doesn't help us, but maybe your mom offering to help is the boat.

    When I can't sleep, it's usually for the same reasons, I have a decision to make, or I'm dreading a conversation. Keep praying, and the answer will come.


  3. You know Ro, our God sounds a lot alike. I really don't think they are different but one and the same God. I think people hear him differently. Just like the priest, he was waiting for a lightning bolt from heaven to reach down, take the shape of God's hand and save him. When God was there the whole time trying.

    I can tell ol' Stormcrow things until I am blue in the face, Epsom Salt is a good healer for infections!!!!, but it takes someone else for him to hear it before he believes it. I guess that's what makes us all different.

    It isn't the God that we believe in, it's our perception of Him and how he works. *wink*

    My God not only works through people, man I'm telling ya, He works through animals trees, birds, everything He created! He uses! :-) Amen!

  4. Here here!

    Now if all people of different faiths would quit condemning others for their own perceptions of God, we might just live in a peaceful world!

  5. AMEN!
    Oh I was thinking about this the other day. The division among faiths? I had to wonder why, if we all believe in the SAME God are we so divided?
    Allah is the same God as Jehovah. There is only ONE God. All He wanted for us is peace and this is what we give him? This crazy world of division? (alright Stormcrow,I won't make this a 'religious debate' post, sorry!)

    okay, I'll stop! lol I get in my preachy

  6. Why can't God do what He wants through your mother? It's like the Christian Scientists who won't use doctors because that supposedly demonstrates a lack of Faith. God provides, in many ways, for all our needs. If He wants to use Mom to provide for you right now, why not accept? Maybe this is as much for her benefit as for yours?


  7. Oh oh oh I agree with Benning. I thought about Christian Science too, but didn't have the courage to post it ;)

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  9. *sigh* I agree with all of you. It's just my human arrogance wishing God could find another way. My mom has already borne such a burden, eating up a big chunk of her retirement savings supporting my family and me after I lost my job and went blind. I know he'll take care of her and me both, I just feel guilty. Ro, I've heard that story and it applies perfectly. Thank you all!

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