Journal - Recap

Okay, so I already talked about how I met Lion Lady at the dentist’s office that day, was that in July, or was it August? Anyway we got to talking and she said that the Lions would pay for my surgery. I said that was great but I was really more concerned with all the doctor visits before and after the surgery. She said the Lions would pay for that too. I thought that over for a few days and then I called her up and said “Let’s do it!” So she gave me the contact info for the University of Nebraska Medical Center in Omaha, and I called and made an appointment for September 20.

Meanwhile, Lion Lady was researching my case and learning about my goofy Medicaid and all that. She learned that if I had some kind of insurance policy, even if it was just a cancer policy or something, with a monthly premium of $277 or so, that I would qualify for no-cost Medicaid. So she called me and said the Lions could get me a policy and pay the premium for six months or so and then all my medical expenses would be covered for that period of time. I told her that was a great idea. Soon after that, I heard from Lion Lady again. She said she had approached her group with my case and they had offered a one-time payment of $125 toward my doctor bills. That all happened before my first trip to Omaha on September 20. Lion Lady said she would keep working on it, so I went ahead and made the trip with the $125 they had given me, which ended up being about one-tenth of the total cost for that visit.

I can’t remember the exact chain of events after that, but here’s the gist of it. Lion Lady called to tell me that her group had agreed to pay $350 toward my deductible for one month, and that the national Lions group would match that, for a total of $700 which would almost cover my deductible for one month. The next time I talked to her, she didn’t sound like she understood my situation at all. She said the Lions were going to pay $1400, and that they would apply that to whichever month I had the most expense. I tried to explain that my out-of-pocket expense would never be more than $788, because that’s what my deductible is, but she didn’t seem to understand that. And she talked about $1400 as if we had spoken of it before. It was a very confusing conversation. Anyway, sometime during all this, I had my second appointment in Omaha on October 13. I think that last conversation took place shortly after that appointment.

That was the last time I spoke with Lion Lady, but apparently she told my mom that the Lions were going to pay for my surgery, but no doctor bills at all. That’s kind of silly because the surgery won’t cost me any more than the doctor visits.

So to summarize, here’s what I have heard:

1. The Lions will pay for your surgery and all your doctor visits.
2. The Lions will get you an insurance policy and all your medical expenses will be covered.
3. The Lions will pay $125 and that’s it.
4. The Lions will pay $700 toward one month’s deductible.
5. The Lions will pay $1400 toward whichever month you have the most expense.
6. The Lions will pay for surgery, but no doctor visits.

I’m pretty frustrated. I was supposed to go back to Omaha today, November 10, for my third visit, but I cancelled the appointment. The only reason I went to Omaha was because the Lions told me to. Since they’re not paying for it, I figure I may as well get this done closer to home, in Kearney or Hastings. I’m also debating on whether or not I should just wait until April when I will be eligible for Medicare. I don’t know if the Medicare will be any better than Medicaid, but it can’t be any worse.

Part of me wishes I had never run into Lion Lady at the dentist’s office that day. I was waiting patiently, and everything was fine. Now everything feels all screwed up again. Another part of me, or maybe it’s the same part, is angry at God. Sometimes I feel like I have been completely abandoned, even though the other part of me knows that isn’t true. It sort of feels like I am right back at square one.

Oh well, the sun will continue to rise each morning (probably), my body will continue to draw breath each day (supposedly), and the earth will keep spinning on its axis (presumeably). Maybe on one of those days that are most likely coming, something good will happen.

Journal - Waiting For A Miracle

Tuesday night I didn’t sleep very well. Don’t know why, just couldn’t sleep. I went to bed at 12:30 which is about my usual time. When I go to bed, I put on my headphones and listen to an audiobook, or a DVS movie, and I’m usually ready to go to sleep in no time at all. Last night, I put on my headphones and listened to an entire movie, and I still wasn’t sleepy. I started another movie and got most of the way through that one before I finally started to nod off. Even after all that, I still woke up early, about 6:30 I think. Instead of going right back to sleep like I usually would, I felt pretty awake, so I put my headphones back on and finished the movie I started.

I did go back to sleep for a while, but I couldn’t sleep late because I had a 10:00 dentist appointment Wednesday morning. The dentist made all the final preparations on my tooth to get it ready for a crown. The procedures took a full hour and a half. There was very little pain involved, but it was a long time to sit in that chair. Right now I have a temporary crown, and when I go back on the 29th I get the permanent one. That should be a quick and simple visit and then I’ll be done with dentists for a while.

Now I need to back up for a minute. On Tuesday, I got a call from Lion Lady. She had been talking with my social worker about my Medicaid. Social Worker Lady told Lion Lady about how if I had a private insurance plan costing $277 per month, I would qualify for full Medicaid, instead of the useless kind I have now. It took Lion Lady about 10 seconds to figure out that this would be a much more cost effective way to get me seeing again, and back in the work force, something none of the various government agencies have been able to figure out. So Lion Lady called this outfit in Hastings called Fiddler’s to see if they could help me out with that. Lion Lady is very much on the ball. She said that the Lion’s could pay for six months worth of insurance, which would probably get me well on my way. Good plan!

Anyway, when I was talking to Lion Lady about all this, she said to let her know right away how it went with Fiddler’s because she was meeting with her Lion’s Club that very evening to pitch my case. That came as a surprise to me, because I thought this was a done deal and no pitching would be necessary.

Back to Wednesday. When I got home from the dentist, I had two messages on my phone. One was from Fiddler’s, and the other was from Lion Lady wondering if I had heard from Fiddler’s. Before I could do much of anything, my phone rang and it was Lion Lady again. She said her Lion’s group had declined to help me, except for the $125 she had initially pledged toward my appointment next Monday. She said the problem was that her group is in Ravenna, and they don’t like to help people outside of that small town. Lion Lady was very displeased with her group, I could tell by her voice before she came right out and said it. We talked for several more minutes about other options and possibilities. She made it clear that she wasn’t giving up, and would keep fighting for me.

So after that, Joni and I were talking about possibly approaching other Lion’s chapters in the area, when Joni wondered aloud if Minden had a chapter. Duh! I was looking around the Lion’s website a couple of weeks ago, and I remembered seeing Minden on the list. Since we actually live in Minden, we thought that might be a possibility.

Later that afternoon, Lion Lady came out to the house to deliver the $125 check. I think she offered to bring it out instead of us going to pick it up because she felt so bad about what happened. While she was here, I asked about Minden, and she said yup, Minden has a chapter, and in fact, she used to belong to it, and knows several people in the organization. So one hope was dashed, and another kindled.

The upshot is this: I am going forward with my appointment on the 20th. I will go to the doctor and wait for a miracle. God tells us that faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains, and I believe it. That’s what faith is all about, isn’t it? Just kind of throwing yourself out there with the full expectation that God will carry you through. My period of waiting served its purpose, and now it is time for a leap of faith.

By the way, the other day I asked our church if they could help me with my dental bills. Today, I got an email saying that they would indeed help me out with a large portion of it. That email came today because God wanted me to know that He is still there, watching out for me.

Luke 17:5-6 The apostles said to the Lord, "Increase our faith!” He replied, "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you.

Journal - Plans Coming Together

Just a quick update on recent events. I finally called Lion Lady Sunday evening to ask for a letter from the Lion’s Club that I could take to the doctor next Monday. She said that was no problem, and she asked me for the doctor’s phone number so she could call and discuss payment.

This morning, Lion Lady called to let me know she had spoken with the doctor’s office. They told her that I would need to pay $125 up front, so Lion Lady told me she would have a check ready for me to take along. She then asked for the phone number of my social worker so she could talk to her about my Medicaid. I also had to call my social worker to tell her it was okay to speak with Lion Lady about my case, which I did as soon as I got off the phone with Lion Lady.

So things are coming together for my first visit to the doctor in Omaha. His name is Doctor Halgren, by the way, and he is a cornea specialist at the University of Nebraska Medical Center.

I was very encouraged to hear from Lion Lady today, and I feel much better knowing that she has personally spoken with the doctor’s office, and my social worker. I’ve really been worrying that I would get to Omaha on Monday, only to find that something got mixed up because I didn’t tell the right person the right thing or something. I’ve been praying and praying for God to ease my mind on these matters, and He came through once again. Now all I have to worry about is flat tires, car trouble, getting lost, and things like that. Hahaha! We humans are funny aren’t we? We can always find something to worry about.

Here’s something Mom emailed me the other day. She said it is from a page in her calendar:
I believe in the sun, even when it is cloudy.
I believe in love, even when I am not feeling it.
I believe in God, even when He is silent.

Psalms 55:22 Cast your burden on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved. ESV

Isaiah 12:2 Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation. NIV

Journal - Going to Omaha

Last Tuesday, Joni and I stopped by Lion Lady’s house in Gibbon to pick up the information she had for me. We sat in her living room for a few minutes and chatted with her and her husband. They’re perfectly nice people. They have a little bischon dog that likes to lick. I couldn’t help but be reminded of the little bischon that I had for several years, Toby. Usually, instead of saying bischon, I just call them Toby-dogs. They’re such affectionate little things. Anyway, we couldn’t stay very long because Adam had a dentist appointment, We had just picked him up from school.

She told me about this low-vision center in Omaha where they send blind or visually impaired people. She said it’s a pretty new facility and the Lion’s paid for almost all of it. From what she told me, it sounds like a place where permanently blind people can get training for their daily lives. That’s not really what I need, and I told her so, but she said this would be the place for me to start. It’s called the Weigel Williamson Low-Vision Center.

Today, Thursday, I called them, and they confirmed that since what I need is surgery, they would not be the ones to help me. They did, however, give me the phone number for the eye clinic which is just a couple of blocks away from their. I discovered that these facilities are both part of the University of Nebraska Medical Center in Omaha. So I called the eye clinic and made an appointment for Monday, September 20. They actually had an opening on the 16th, but that just felt too fast so I asked for a later appointment.

So I’m going to Omaha on the 20th. Omaha is about a three hour drive from here, so I’m not really looking forward to that. Travelling isn’t as much fun when you can’t see the scenery. But this might be the first major step in getting my sight back, and that’s well worth 6 hours in the car.

I’m still scared. I’m scared about having to make a lot of trips to Omaha. I’m scared they’ll tell me my eyes have deteriorated and there’s nothing they can do. I’m scared that money will get in the way somehow, as it so often does. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is totally out of my hands and that God will take care of it. If my first visit or two go smoothly, that will help ease my mind a lot, so I’m looking forward to having that part out of the way.

Oh, I almost forgot, I have to call Lion Lady again, too. I have to get a letter from her explaining that the Lion’s Club will be picking up the tab. I better go do that before I forget.

Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” NIV

Psalms 27:1 The LORD is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid? NKJv

Journal - Some Lessons

So we went to church this morning. When we got there, I pulled my phone out of my pocket to turn it off, as I always do before we go inside. Except that when I pushed the button, the phone turned on instead of off, and the low battery sound started chiming. I realized that my phone had gone dead and turned off at some point. The last time I had used it was Friday when Lion lady’s husband called me to say that his wife would call me sometime. I thought, “Great, she probably tried to call and my phone was dead.” I couldn’t check for messages right then because there wasn’t enough battery power left.

When we got inside and took our seats, Pastor Brian, one of the associate pastors, came over to talk to us. Pastor Brian always makes it a point to talk to us and ask for any updates on my situation. I told him that I had called Lion lady a couple of times but hadn’t heard back from her. I didn’t tell him that I let my phone go completely dead, though. He said that he would pray for God to urge Lion lady to respond in some way.

When we got home from church, I plugged my phone in right away to charge the battery. While it was plugged in, I went ahead and checked for messages but there was nothing; she still hadn’t called. I let the phone charge for a while, then unplugged it and set it back on the desk where I keep it.

It was only an hour or two later when my phone rang. It was the Lion lady. Lion lady does, by the way, have a name, but I’m not entirely sure if it would be appropriate to name her here. Anyway, she said that her husband had had back surgery and just came home from the hospital on Friday. I thought it was odd that he was the one who had called on Friday. She also said her grandson had been in the hospital. I felt bad because I had some unkind thoughts about her during the last week. I guess that is God’s way of reminding me not to be so quick to judge. Anyway, Lion lady said she had a packet of information for me and I could stop by and pick it up anytime. We’ll be in Gibbon on Tuesday for Adam’s dentist appointment so I said we would stop by Tuesday afternoon.

So what did I learn today? Letm e see: don’t be too quick to judge others. That’s been a little bit of a problem for me during the last couple of years. I get so caught up in feeling sorry for myself, that I sometimes forget that other people have problems too. God has to slap me upside the head sometimes and remind me of that. I also got a nice little reminder of the power of prayer. Pastor Brian said he would pray for a response, and by golly I got one, just a few hours later.

As I am writing this, another thought occurs to me as well. I’ve been praying for a response from Lion lady all week, but it was not until I shared my concern with someone else, and got that person praying as well, that God made something happen. I’ve heard Doctor Stanley talk about this on the radio. It is so important for others to pray for us, as it is important for us to pray for them. Prayer is a powerful thing, but when many members of Christ’s body come together toward a common purpose, that’s when miracles begin to happen.

And once again, God has used my blog to help me understand some things. I sat down here simply to report on what happened today, but in doing so, I now see that there was a lot more going on beneath the surface that I might have missed. Writing things down has proven to be a pretty good way to organize my thoughts.

James 5:16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

Romans 8:26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.

Journal - The Plot Thickens

Okay, so we went to Brad’s house in Axtell today. The wheels have never made any noise at all since Joni cleaned them off with the hose yesterday, and they were perfectly quiet all the way to Axtell today. Brad went ahead and pulled off the front wheels to look at the brake pads and he said they look fine. Wow, what a relief! I’ve been wondering about my brakes anyway because it’s been 6 or 7 years since I had any brake work done on the truck and I didn’t really know how long pads are supposed to last. Anyway, that’s a big load off my mind.

Well, right in the middle of that last paragraph, my phone rang. It was the Lion lady’s husband returning my call from last Saturday. He had no idea who I was, just asked me if I was trying to get in touch with his wife. I reminded him that I’m the blind guy who’s been trying to reach her and then he remembered. He said she would call me but he didn’t know when, maybe tonight or tomorrow. Not quite the response I was looking for, but I’m glad someone finally called back. I haven’t yet received any response to my email from yesterday.

Oh, while we were at Brad’s, DJ stopped by. DJ is Brad’s daughter, my niece, and she’s just starting her second year at the University in Kearney. Every time I’ve seen DJ over the last year, she’s been trying to get a cell phone that she likes and that does all the things she wants it to. Today, she had a new one but she still wasn’t very happy with it. She’s funny. I like DJ though, she’s a good girl. And she plays the saxophone so that makes her pretty cool in my book. Also, Brad said that his oldest son, Daniel, got a job at the Baldwin’s factory in Kearney. Good news for Daniel because I’m sure that will pay better than Burker King where he was working before. Brad’s youngest son Taylor is in eighth grade this year and is playing quarterback on the football team like last year. Maybe Taylor will play for the Huskers some day, that would be awesome.

So the week ended on a high note. I sure needed that, it was a rough week. Once again, God has shown me that all my doubts and worries were for nothing. I thought I was going to end up with a huge repair bill for the truck, and it turned out to be fine. Okay God, I get it, you don’t have to rub my nose in it!

Hebrews 13:1-2 Keep on loving each other as brothers. Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing, some people have entertained angels without knowing it.

Journal - The Lion Sleeps Tonight

Well, I’m overdue for an update, so here goes.

I called the lady from the Lion’s Club last Saturday. I had called her a couple of weeks before that and left a message with her husband. She called me back two days later and left me a message, then I called her and left another message. That was it for about a week until I finally called her again last Saturday. She never has called me back so now I’m starting to wonder what that was all about. Maybe she’s away on vacation or something. I debated for a few days about how much I wanted to try and force the issue, but I finally decided I do want to push it. Today I searched the internet and found an email address for the Lion’s Club in Kearney. I sent an email with a brief explanation of my situation and asked if they could help me. I didn’t mention my attempts to contact this other lady, just told them I was trying to get help paying for eye surgery. She might be with the Lion’s in Kearney for all I know, I thought Gibbon had its own chapter but the Lion’s website didn’t show one. So we’ll see if anything comes of that. If nobody answers my email, there’s also a phone number I can try.

On Wednesday I had a dentist appointment. I saw the dentist at the beginning of the month and got three teeth pulled, two wisdom teeth and a molar; this time he started working on my fourth bad tooth which is closer to the front. He did a root canal. I was a little worried about that, I’ve never had one before and everyone always talks about how horrible they are. I found it to be much less of a bother than the extractions, I’ve had very little pain. After the root canal, he filled the tooth with a temporary filling. A little while after we got home, I ate something and the filling popped right out so I had to go back and get another one. My next appointment is September 15 when he will make the final preparations and measurements for a crown. Then I’ll have one more visit to have the crown put in. What a tremendous relief it will be to have that all done. My teeth have been bothering me a lot for a long, long time. I think I’ve mentioned that I even have bad dreams about them sometimes.

On the way home from our second trip to the dentist, we heard kind of a popping sound and one of the wheels on my truck started grinding and squealing very loudly. Our hearts sank because we were already trying to figure out how we were going to pay for this dental work. The sound was like a wheel after the brake pad is completely gone and the brakes are just grinding on metal. We were only about a mile from home when it happened so we drove on home. The noise went away completely but started to come back gradually. Joni said there was a lot of mud caked around the inside of the wheel so it might just be that. Today she took the hose and cleaned it off and the noise is gone. I asked Brad if he could take a look anyway, just in case, I know how expensive brake work can get if you don’t take care of it right away. So we’re going to Brad’s tomorrow. Actually, I asked Brad what was the best place in Kearney to have it looked at, and he said he would do it. My big brother is a pretty good guy. He sure has helped us out a lot over the last year and a half.

So let’s see: Lion’s, dentist, car, I think that’s about it. It’s been a rough week. I was pretty depressed all week about the Lion lady not returning my calls, but I made a decision about that today and feel better. Also, the truck may not be as bad as I first thought so I’m feeling better about that too.

Oh, I don’t know if I ever mentioned my visit to the doctor earlier this month. My sinuses have been kind of bad so I wanted to see what we could do about that. She recommended a nasal spray called Nasocort. I used Nasonex for several years and it worked well for me, and the doctor said Nasocort is pretty much the same thing. She sent in some paperwork for me to see if I can get it for free from the pharmaceutical company through their assistance program. I’ve been getting all my asthma medicine free for several months now and Nasocort is made by the same company so I’m keeping my fingers crossed. In the meantime, the doctor gave me several free samples.

So that’s about it. See you next time!

Ezekiel 36:26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

Letting Go

When I was a kid, I used to love reading about animals. Everything about animals: what they ate, where they lived, everything. I had a subscription to a magazine called “Ranger Rick.” “Ranger Rick” was a kid’s magazine that was all about animals and the environment. Grandma Howard got me the subscription for Christmas one year, and she renewed it every Christmas until I finally outgrew it. Okay, maybe a year or two after I outgrew it. Sometimes it’s hard to let go of something so comfortable and familiar. I also had another magazine called “Zoobooks.” “Zoobooks” was much more detailed and scientific. Each month, they focused on one particular animal and told you absolutely everything about that animal.

I can’t remember which magazine it was, probably Zoobooks, but I remember reading about a particular type of monkey one time. It told about a method that hunters or poachers would use to catch the monkeys alive. The hunters would hollow out a small opening in the face of a large boulder or something similar. At the end of this narrow opening, they would carve out a slightly larger opening and then put food in it that the monkeys liked to eat. You see, the opening was barely large enough for the monkey to slip his hand in, but when he clenched his fist around the food, his hand no longer fit and he was stuck there. Even as the hunters approach the monkey, he was so unwilling to let go of the food that he allowed himself to be captured.

How alike we are to those monkeys. We are so unwilling to let go of the things we have, that we often miss out on something even better, maybe even our own salvation. Just like those monkeys, we cling so tightly to our possessions that we become trapped by them. And just like those hunters, our enemy, the devil, knows of our weakness, and knows how to use it against us.

I am probably more guilty of this than most. I don’t have a lot, but I really like the things I have. My home theater system, my magic-motion clock, my computer, my comic books, not to mention the things that once belonged to my grandparents or great-grandparents. Those things are all so important to me and I would be devastated to lose any of them, even though I know that God doesn’t want us to cling to the materials of this world.

This is a lesson that God has placed on my heart and mind very clearly recently. Pastor Mike has delivered, I think, three different sermons now regarding this topic in various forms, and whenever I “randomly” browse through the bible, the topic seems to come up. It seems there is something that God wants me to give up, and I confess that I have been dragging my feet and not looking very closely at the matter. It’s never easy letting go of things. Then yesterday at church, Pastor Mike’s sermon was about following God’s will all the way, not just doing the things that come easily, but also the things that are hard.

This is going to take some thought and prayer, like almost everything else, and I want to make sure I’m clear on it. I got seriously dissed by someone close to me last week and it’s left my head in kind of a mess. Also, I have this thing with the Lion’s Club hanging over me and I’m still not sure what I want to do about that. Where do you draw the line between rushing into something, and doing more damage by taking too long?

Well, one thing that I’ve learned is that no matter how badly I screw something up, God will always be there to help me pick up the pieces. There is comfort in that, at least.

1 Peter 2:15 For it is God's will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men.

1 John 2:15-17 Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.

I Hope

Well, I called the lady from the Lion’s Club on Monday morning. Her husband took a message and said she would probably call me later in the day, but I never heard from her. She did call, however, on Tuesday evening. I had just stepped out of the shower so I let my voicemail take the call. When I called her back at around seven, I got her answering machine. So, we’re having a little trouble connecting, but that’s okay, it will happen when it happens.

Try as I might, I just can’t stop myself getting my hopes up. I tell myself not to expect too much, that it’s too soon to get excited, that every time I get my hopes up, I end up disappointed. That’s kind of silly when you think about it, for what is life without hope? There’s an old saying you may have heard that goes something like this: man can live for about 40 days without food, about 3 days without water, about 8 minutes without air, but not one second without hope. It hurts to get our hopes up only to have them dashed again and again, but imagine a life with no hope at all.

The more I think about this, the more I think about all the things I can’t wait to see again. Of course, I am anxious to see the faces of my friends and family. And my own face as well. I’ve been blind for a little over a year now, and legally blind for some time before that. It’s been a long time since I got a clear look at myself. I wonder how much I’ve changed. I’m anxious to see the people I have met more recently too, the ones I didn’t know before I went blind. I have mental pictures of them which I’m sure are completely wrong. It will be like meeting a radio dj in person, they never look the way you thought they would.

I want to see the house I live in. I was almost completely blind when we moved here. I want to see my old hometown which I haven’t seen since 2007 when we drove up from Dallas for Grandma Howard’s funeral. I want to see Gibbon’s new school, and I want to see the old one again before they tear it down. I want to see my mom’s new house. I want to look up at the night sky and see the stars. I lived in the city for so many years where all you can see is a handful of the brightest ones. Now I live in the country and I know there is a perfect blanket of stars up there, if only I could see them. I want to see my Christmas tree and houses decorated with colored lights.

It’s been more than two years since I drove a car and I can’t wait to do that again. I want to watch a football game. I take that back, I want to watch LOTS of football games. I want to play Star Wars Battlefront 2 on PS2. I want to play Roller Coaster Tycoon and Railroad Tycoon and Transportation Tycoon on my pc. I want to get out my digital camera and take pictures again.

In one of my recent posts, I mentioned a movie called “Shawshank Redemption” by Stephen King. One of the main themes of that film is hope, and how it never dies even at the worst times of our lives. Main character Andy DuFresne summed it up when he said, “Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” Red’s hope was eventually rekindled by his association with Andy who never lost his. At the end of the movie, Red is finally released from prison after a thirty year stay, and as he is riding a bus to meet his old friend Andy, he thinks these lines:

”I find I’m so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it is the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain.
I hope I can make it across the border.
I hope to see my friend and shake his hand.
I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams.
I hope.

A man at the beginning of a journey whose conclusion is uncertain. That’s me, all right. But I have hope, so no matter how uncertain the conclusion is, in my heart I know one thing; God’s not going to let me down. He carried me this far, and I know He will still be there at journey’s end.
Job 11:18 You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety.

Micah 7:7 But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.

Journal - Job Market

I’m still thinking about that lady from the Lion’s Club. One of my fears is that I’ll get my sight back and my social security will be cut off and then I won’t be able to find a job. Part of me was sort of hoping the job market would pick up a little before that happened.

Today, I called the SSA in Grand Island to ask how quickly my benefits would stop if I was no longer disabled. The guy I spoke to said my benefits would continue for nine months. Actually, what he said was that if I go back to work, any month in which I earn more than $720 counts as one month and if I earn less than that, the month doesn’t count. After the ninth month that I earn more than $720 then my benefits will stop. That kind of makes it sound like I can keep getting disability benefits forever as long as I don’t go to work. It sounds a little screwy and I don’t know whether to believe him or not. I’ve gotten so much mis-information and truth slanting over the last two years that it’s getting pretty hard for me to believe what people say. If he had told me that my benefits would stop exactly one minute after my surgery was complete, I would have believed that.

I am reminded once again that I need to keep my faith with God, and not on human beings. Only God can carry me through this, and no one else. I feel very fortunate that there are a few people here on Earth that I can count on to help God’s plan along, but ultimately He is the focal point.

Probably what I will do is make a couple more calls to SSA and try to confirm what I was told today. When it’s all said and done, this won’t be a deciding factor, but it would be nice to avoid a nasty surprise later on.

On an unrelated matter, my mouth is feeling pretty good today. I had quite a bit of soreness when I woke up this morning, but I took some Ibuprofen like the dentist said and I’ve felt fine ever since. Still taking it easy though, I’ve only eaten raviolis and mashed potatoes today. And Pepsi of course. I can’t wait to brush my teeth again, yuck!

1 Corinthians 14:33 For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace.

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Our Savior at Work

So on Tuesday, Adam had a dentist appointment. I normally don’t ride along for his doctor or dentist appointments, but this time I did because I wanted to stop in and see the doctor, whose office is right next door. I have a dentist appointment of my own on Wednesday, but the doctor isn’t open on Wednesday. The only option really left open to me was to ride along to Adam’s appointment and then visit the doctor afterward.

So we got to the dentist and no more than got sat down in the waiting area when this lady came over and started talking to us. She said she was from the Lion’s Club and that they do lots of things to help blind people. I guess she just happened to notice that I had dark glasses and a white cane. Anyway, she asked if I was interested in a seeing-eye dog. She said they have a training facility in Michigan where they send people for that. I explained that I wasn’t permanently blind, that I just needed surgery to be able to see again. She said the Lion’s Club can pay for that. I said that I was concerned about all the doctor visits before and after the surgery. She said the Lion’s Club can pay for that. She asked if I had applied for Medicaid and I said I had Medicaid but there was an $800 deductible every month. She said the Lion’s Club can help with that. All very interesting. She told me to think about it and left her business card. Incidentally, she was there selling peaches. She said the Lion’s sell lugs of peaches to raise money. She just happened to go to the dentist’s office to sell peaches right at the same time we came in for an appointment.

Does this sound like a slam-dunk to you? I’m not so sure. I think this represents a very real possibility of getting my sight back and to tell you the truth, that scares me. I’ve learned a lot since I went blind; a lot about God, and a lot about myself. I’m living a better life now, not perfect by any means, but better than I used to. By better, I mean closer to God. What if I get my sight back, and I start sliding back into the person I used to be? I’d rather stay blind than have that happen. What happened today seems like a pretty clear message from God, maybe He thinks I’m ready. I don’t feel ready, but do we ever?

I was listening to a movie the other day, “Shawshank Redemption.” It’s been a favorite of mine for several years, but something about it really struck me this time. In case you’re not familiar with it, I’ll tell you that it’s a prison movie where the characters are all serving life sentences or something similar. There’s a portion of the movie where they are talking about how prisoners can become institutionalized. They spend twenty or thirty or forty years in prison until it’s really all they know. They know the routines, they have friends, they know where everything is and they know what they’re supposed to do. The outside world can be so scary to them that they will commit another crime just so they can go back to prison. Anyway, I began to wonder if that is happening to me. I’ve built a new life around my blindness. I know where everything is and I know what to do. The outside world seems a little scary.

Well, I have too many feelings to sort out right now. This will require some thought and prayer. I’ve waited all this time, I guess there’s no reason to rush into anything.

By the way, I didn’t get to see the doctor, she didn’t come in today.

Amos 4:13 He who forms the mountains, creates the wind, and reveals His thoughts to man, He who turns dawn to darkness, and treads the high places of the earth--the LORD God Almighty is His name.

Isaiah 58:11 The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.